Women and Wealth a conversation with Cary Carbonaro

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Written By Moraya DeGeare

HomeEc Podcast · Season 3, Episode 2 · A Calibrate Production

Compel, Don't Sell: Women, Wealth, and the Client Who Sleeps Fine

Guest: Cary Carbonaro, CFP, MBA · Hosts: Nick Ashburn and Moraya Seeger DeGeare, LMFT

Episode summary

Financial planner and author Cary Carbonaro, CFP, MBA, joins HomeEc to talk about why so many women leave their financial advisors, what "compel, don't sell" looks like in practice, and when a money problem calls for a financial therapist or a licensed therapist. Then she turns the tables and asks us about a client whose risky choices keep her up at night while the client sleeps just fine.

Cary has spent more than 25 years in wealth management. She is the author of Women and Wealth: A Playbook to Empower Clients and Unlock Their Fortune (Wiley, 2025) and The Money Queen's Guide: For Women Who Want to Build Wealth and Banish Fear (2015), and she serves as Managing Advisor and Women and Wealth Ambassador at Ashton Thomas Private Wealth. We cover the great wealth transfer, overspenders and underspenders, the client who died with $10 million, flying first class, identity in retirement and gray divorce, menopause and work, and pensions. In our debrief, Nick and I talk about professional boundaries, what well-being actually costs, and what the research says about gender and decision making.

A note from Moraya

When Cary admitted she loses sleep over a client who sleeps fine, I felt that in my body. I have lost sleep over clients too, and therapists call me all the time to ask, "Did I do enough?" So this conversation felt like home.

The underspending stories got me thinking about my grandparents. My grandpa was born in 1919, and the Great Depression shaped everything about how they lived. They were careful with every dollar and didn't really take vacations. My grandmother never got those days of fully relaxing at the beach, and maybe that's part of why my mom and I still connect vacation with the beach. But one of my core memories is seeing them happiest when it was just the two of them, together, nothing fancy. Real happiness can be that simple, like sitting in the garden, and I think a lot of us feel almost guilty saying so. I hope this episode gives you permission to ask what your money is actually for. With love, Moraya

Episode Q&A

Who is Cary Carbonaro?

Cary Carbonaro, CFP, MBA, is a financial planner with more than 25 years in wealth management. She is Managing Advisor and Women and Wealth Ambassador at Ashton Thomas Private Wealth, a longtime CFP Board Ambassador, and the author of Women and Wealth and The Money Queen's Guide.

Her honors include InvestmentNews Women to Watch and 2025 DEI Trailblazer of the Year, several appearances on Investopedia's Top 100 Financial Advisors list, and a 2024 appointment as the only woman on the Nasdaq Advisor Council. She previously served as Partner and Head of Women's Leadership at United Capital.

What is the Women & Wealth Masterclass, and who is it for?

The Women & Wealth Masterclass is an eight-module continuing education course Cary co-created with Amplified Planning. It is built on her book, and Cary says about 20% of it is new material. It is designed for financial planners of any gender who want to serve women better, and Amplified Planning reports 4.5 CFP Board CE credits.

The modules cover the women and wealth opportunity, the history of women and money, how women think about money, why women leave advisors, types of women clients, holistic service, communication, and building a female-friendly practice. Cary told us the book itself works for two audiences: advisors, and women who want to see what a good advisor relationship should look like.

Why does the great wealth transfer matter so much for women?

Cary says women are expected to control about two thirds of US wealth by 2030, a projection that traces to McKinsey's 2020 report, which found women already control a third of US household financial assets and expects them to control much of the $30 trillion boomers will hold by 2030. The drivers she named are women's longer lifespans, inheritances from boomer parents and spouses, gray divorce, more women becoming primary breadwinners, and women starting businesses faster than men.

Her point for the industry: the old playbook, the golf course and the sports talk, was "built by men for men," and it historically saw women only as widows or divorcees. Cary put the advisor split at roughly 80% men, and CFP Board's January 2026 data is close: a record 25,601 women make up 23.8% of CFP professionals, so about three in four are men. She sees a real mismatch between who holds the wealth and who is serving it.

Why do so many women leave their financial advisors?

Cary estimates that about 80% of women leave their advisor after being widowed or divorced. The most-cited published figure is McKinsey's (2020): 70 percent of widows move to a new institution within a year, though ThinkAdvisor reported in March 2026 that its sourcing is unclear and Kehrer Group data put widow switching closer to 13.7%. The reasons she hears: they were ignored, they never had a separate meeting, the advisor knew nothing about them, or they were stuck in the "friend zone." Her rule is that both spouses are 100% clients, 50/50.

She calls much of the industry "pale, stale and male." The Daily Upside's Advisor Upside reported in September 2026 that just under a quarter of CFP professionals are women, a share CFP Board data shows has barely moved since the early 1990s. She told us about a male advisor who comes to all her speeches but hasn't read the book, and who expects he may retire before his clients' wives leave. On the hopeful side, some male advisors now keep her book in their lobby to signal that women are welcome there, a small cue of psychological safety.

What does "compel, don't sell" mean?

"Compel, don't sell" is Cary's mantra. She doesn't push products. She helps clients see clearly why a change matters, so the decision is theirs. If someone still can't move from A to B after she has made a compelling case, she takes that as a sign that something beyond financial expertise is in the way.

Many of her clients are high-drive women: million-dollar earners, breadwinners, business owners and inheritors. Her reminder is that being successful doesn't mean you understand money or feel comfortable with it. Everyone carries money baggage.

When does a financial advisor need a financial therapist or a therapist?

Cary's view is that emotional patterns or past money trauma call for a financial therapist, while depression or any risk of self-harm calls for a licensed mental health professional. Her line: "You need all three of us." That is the advisor, the financial therapist and the therapist working as a team.

In the debrief, Moraya added the other side of the boundary: therapists aren't automatically equipped to talk about money just because they are clinicians. Nick noted that therapists can still talk about money concretely without giving financial advice.

What do you do when a client takes big financial risks and "sleeps fine"?

Cary asked us about a client whose net worth is near zero while they wait for a big payout. The client sleeps fine. Cary doesn't. Nick suggested the risk may serve self-regulation or self-soothing. Moraya suggested meeting the client in the immediate present, building a small ladder of steps, and getting curious about what the behavior gives them.

Nick also raised "chaos templates," future-self thinking, the pull between concrete and abstract or short-term and long-term thinking, and how strengths can turn into blind spots. Moraya noted that sometimes there is a big thing the client hasn't told you yet. She also asked a gentle question back: how hard are you working for your clients, and are advisors sometimes over-functioning?

Why is it so hard for lifelong savers to spend money in retirement?

Cary sees most of her women clients as either overspenders or underspenders. For savers, moving from accumulation to decumulation is a huge mindset shift. One client died with $10 million after living in a rent-controlled apartment and treating herself to McDonald's once a month. Clients now joke, "We know what you're going to say: you can spend more money."

She once told a client's wife to fly first class to Asia, in a lie-flat bed, instead of economy comfort. In the debrief, Nick asked: in whose opinion is well-being harmed by underspending? He used the five parts of well-being (positive emotion, engagement or flow, relationships, meaning and accomplishment) and talked about how spending ripples through a family system, including giving yourself permission to spend on family trips and visits.

How do retirement and gray divorce change a person's identity?

Retirement and gray divorce are money transitions, but they are also identity transitions. Moraya sees more couples in their 60s coming to therapy over identity, time, spending, travel and giving to their kids. Cary admitted retirement makes her "nauseous" and noted that being a CFP professional is a job where you become more valuable with age.

In the debrief, Nick described how a financial "sense of self" can be tied to income. He also told the story of picturing success as a cafe in the south of France, then realizing a cute cafe five minutes away gives him much of the same well-being. The cost of well-being changes, and some retirees discover they can't "golf their way to happiness."

How can menopause affect women's careers and financial decisions?

Cary shared that a friend left her job in her fifties because of menopause symptoms and was out of work for three years, and she pointed out that women in their 50s may struggle to get rehired. Moraya shared her own fear about brain fog, because so much of her identity is tied to her mind.

We agreed that menopause, hormones, cognition and financial decision making deserve much more attention. An advisor isn't a physician, but informed, respectful curiosity about the whole person belongs in a planning conversation.

Why did the shift from pensions to 401(k)s matter?

Cary explained that the move from pensions to 401(k) plans, starting in the 1970s, shifted retirement risk onto individuals and helped create the financial planning profession. Her take: "If you have a pension, you hit the lottery." Moraya shared that her husband, a retired NFL player, now works for the railroad, a job that comes with a pension.

What is Cary's elevator advice for financial advisors?

Make it transformational, not transactional. Start with her life, her fears and what matters to her, not the portfolio. Listen more than you talk, skip the jargon and the sports analogies, and make the experience female friendly from the first meeting.

What is Cary's elevator advice for women?

Most women feel unprepared, and that's normal. Get an advocate. Cary recommends working with a CFP professional, and you can search for one through CFP Board's Let's Make a Plan site. Her message: you don't have to figure it out alone.

Does adding more women automatically change how advice is given?

Not necessarily. Nick pointed to Wharton professor Katherine Klein's Knowledge at Wharton article, which concludes that rigorous research doesn't clearly show gender-diverse boards outperform. One possible reason is that the women appointed may not differ much from the men already there. Calibrate's early data suggests women advisors may not serve women as differently as expected.

Nick shared that, as a gay man, he has often been treated "more like a woman" in rooms full of older white men, which helped him notice that kind of otherness. Moraya talked about socialization, like the emotional pursuer and the provider, and the "decision-making geometry" between a couple and the professionals around them. The takeaway: make gender visible in advice, and don't assume representation alone fixes it.

How much should a helping professional carry for a client?

Care matters, but so do boundaries. Nick drew a line between caring service and purely transactional service, and noted Calibrate's research on working outside your comfort zone. Our closing question: what do we owe the people we help, and what do we have to leave with them?

Where can I find Cary Carbonaro?

Search "Cary Carbonaro" (spelled C-A-R-Y). Her website is carycarbonaro.com, and she is on LinkedIn, Instagram (@carycarbonaro) and Facebook. Her books are on Amazon. Direct links are at the bottom of this page.

Cary's Calibrate Decision Style

Cary's Calibrate GrowthProfile is The Purpose-Guided Achiever: steady, focused and quietly strategic, building lasting success through consistent, values-driven choices. Her highlights are Deeply Reflective, Emotionally Attuned and Confident Optimism. Cary generously agreed to share her profile publicly.

When she shines: The Values-Driven Builder. Money is a way to protect, uplift and build a legacy, and she moves easily between insight and action. You can hear it when she calls helping women her life's work, and in how many hats she wears: planner, author, educator and mentor.

When activated: The Devoted Provider. When others lean on her, she may take on more than she needs to and rely on plans and structure to stay in control. That fits the moment she told us she loses sleep over a client who sleeps fine, and her instinct to treat not getting a client from A to B as her own failure.

Decision style dimensionCary's scoreWhat it sounded like on the podcast
Temporal Horizon100 (strongly long-term)"I'm never in the present, I'm always in the future." It also explains why a client's short-term gamble feels so loud to her.
Cognitive Style100 (highly adaptive)She turned the tables mid-interview to learn from two other disciplines.
Motivational Orientation82.14 (internally motivated)A mission that clearly runs deeper than titles or awards.
Social and Relational83.33 (collaborative processing)"You need all three of us": the advisor, financial therapist and therapist triangle.

Strengths: Asking Questions, Eager to Grow, Facing Financial Fears, Energized Financial Engagement. That lines up with "compel, don't sell," which starts with curiosity rather than pressure.

Strengths under pressure: Measure Your Value by Your Finances, Putting Yourself Last, Feel the Weight of Every Decision, and Second-Guessing Yourself. Possible blind spots to watch for are Over-Confidence, Over-Control or Perfectionism, and Compassless Exploration. These are the flip side of deep care and high standards, not flaws. There's a lovely irony here too: the planner who tells clients to spend more and fly first class may also need permission to put herself first.

Help Aversion she is relatively comfortable accepting support. "

Calibrate profiles are informational and educational. They describe patterns and preferences, they are not diagnostic, and they are not a substitute for professional advice. Curious about your own? Take the free Calibrate assessment at homeecpodcast.com.

Key takeaways

  • Women rarely leave an advisor over performance. They leave because they felt invisible. Treat both partners as 100% clients.
  • "Compel, don't sell." If a smart, caring explanation doesn't move someone, get curious about what else is going on.
  • Money decisions arrive attached to a person, a relationship, a history, a body and an identity. Sometimes the right move is a referral to a financial therapist or therapist.
  • For lifelong savers, permission to spend can be the most important part of a plan.
  • Retirement, gray divorce and menopause are identity transitions as much as financial ones.
  • Representation matters, but it's not enough on its own. How advice is designed matters too.
  • Helping professionals need boundaries: care deeply, and know what belongs to the client.

Read more from Cary

This episode is for informational and educational purposes only and is not financial, legal, tax, or mental health advice. The views shared by guests are their own. Please consult a qualified professional about your specific situation. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (US) or contact local emergency services.

Calibrate profiles are informational and educational tools. They are not diagnostic and are not a substitute for professional advice. Cary Carbonaro's activities as a speaker, author, and educator are separate from her activities as an Investment Advisor Representative with Ashton Thomas Private Wealth.

Moraya DeGeare
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